The Pro Bowl Hawaiian Panel
The NFL Pro Bowl takes place on Sunday at 4:30 PM. It will be the last time that the event will be held in Hawaii. In light of their final appearance there, I called upon some of my friends with ties to our 50th state to assist me in my betting strategy.
A round table discussion was held between BJ Penn, Magnum P.I., Jack Lord, Tattoo and the Pacific version of myself, Hawaiian Bread. The results were quite fascinating.
BJ Penn: I hurt all over. Can someone please tell me the spread?
Our panelists: BJ Penn
Magnum: I did some private investigating, and I uncovered the line. The NFC is favored by 2.5 and the over/under is 65.
Tattoo: Who’s play’n?! Who’s play’n?!
Jack Lord: What the hell are you doing here Tattoo? Fantasy Island wasn’t located in Hawaii.
Tattoo: Close enough.
Hawaiian Bread: This is going to be a long day. OK, who do you guys like in this game?
Magnum: I did some private investigating. I discovered that the Pro Bowl has been played in Honolulu since 1980. This is the last year it will be here. Next year it will be in Miami. I went to Miami once with Rick and T.C. I played beach volleyball and made love to beautiful women.
Magnum P.I.
Lord: You’re not even a real detective. I’m a real detective! Have you ever met Ricardo Montalban or Gavin MacLeod? I have!! Those are legends! Who the hell is John Hillerman anyways?
Tattoo: I’ve met Montalban. He thought he would be funny once and asked me for a “small” favor. I punched him in the shin.
HB: We are getting WAY off track here. BJ, you are a Hawaii native. Do you have any thoughts here?
Penn: Well I have caught many of the games played at Aloha Stadium. I know that the AFC and NFC are tied with 19 wins apiece. OH GOD PLEASE STOP HITTING ME! Sorry. I really enjoyed last year’s game where Adrian Peterson rushed for two touchdowns and was named as the MVP.
HB: I remember that. I do enjoy watching NFC teams play more than the AFC. It’s really hard for me to figure out who has an edge in this game.
Magnum: I did some private investigating. I discovered that Brett Favre pulled out of the game. This greatly helps out the AFC’s chances at a win.
Lord: I was 31 years old back when Favre was a rookie. Is he really still playing?
Jack Lord
HB: He is, but the starting quarterbacks here are Kurt Warner and Peyton Manning. Also seeing playing time will be Drew Brees and Eli Manning for the NFC, Jay Cutler and Kerry Collins for the AFC.
Penn: On account of my face being broken, it hurts too much to try to think about who has the advantage as far as conference. Can we just talk about the total? Don’t you think that the lax attitude of the game could lead to a high scoring game?
Magnum: I did some private investigating. I discovered that since the year 2000, the average points scored in the Pro Bowl is 69. T.C. gets really excited when I say that number for some reason. But perhaps with the O/U set at 65, the Over might be a safe bet?
Tattoo: I say bet the Under.
Lord: Of course you do, Shorty. I like the Over here. I know that Warner has his two favorite targets starting the game with him – Boldin and Fitzgerald. They should be good for at least two early touchdowns between them. Hey did I ever tell you guys about the time I got lei’d in my trailer on the set of Hawaii Five-O? Wait, where was I again?
Tattoo: THE GAME! THE GAME!
Lord: Ah yes. Since Magnum has come up with this random year of 2000, I can tell you that since the new millennium, there have been seven cases of QB to WR Pro Bowl touchdowns from the same team. Peyton to Harrison has happened twice, but Harrison won’t be there this year.
Tattoo: Reggie Wayne! Reggie Wayne!
Lord: Of course! Manning to Wayne! I also like the thought of Cutler coming in the game late and tossing to Brandon Marshall. Those guys had a pretty good year together.
HB: I like the way you’re thinking Jack. BJ, your thoughts?
Penn: Ow.
Tattoo: Le’Ron McClain is a great fullback for short yardage plays.
Tattoo
Magnum: I did some private investigating. There aren’t many short yardage plays in the Pro Bowl. Sorry.
HB: I’m liking your train of thought today Jack Lord. The Over seems like a good call.
Lord: Have you heard of the small Hawaiian island I’maka’u’monee? Stick with me Hawaiian Bread.
Magnum: Knock knock.
HB: Who’s there?
Magnum: Zak DeOssie.
HB: Who???
Magnum: I did some investigating, but I have no freaking clue. Apparently he’s playing in this game.
Tattoo: So are you taking the Under boss?
HB: No I am definitely going to play the Over here, Tattoo. Even though this game sports some spectacular defensive players like Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, Albert Haynesworth, James Harrison, Troy Polamalu, and Julius Peppers, nobody wants to see anyone hurt for this event. The defenses will play tough, but will never go that extra mile and the points should come easy.
Hawaiian Bread
Lord: So what you’re saying is, 69, comes easy. Got it.
Penn: I have 69 broken bones. I need a medic.
HB: Georges St-Pierre can’t hurt you anymore BJ. Thanks for your help fellas. The Over it is. Last football game of the year, hopefully a winner. See you next year in Miami.
Magnum: I did some investigating, and there is no way you can lose this.
Lord: Screw you Selleck. ‘In & Out’ SUCKED!
